Pregnancy Loss: The Grieving Process

When parents lose a pregnancy, grief symptoms are very similar to those experienced by others who've lost a loved one. They experience denial, anger, and finally acceptance. Let's take a look at some ways we can experience grief in a healthy manner.

1. Accept your Loss. This is very important. Most likely, you'll encounter a period of time when you deny you've lost your child. You may continue working on a baby's room, or buy baby supplies. This is normal as long as you reach the point of acceptance. Your child is gone, you cannot bring them back.

2.. Allow yourself to grieve. This is not the time to put on your brave face and pretend everything is ok. Don't look to others for permission, let your emotions out so you can deal with your loss.

3. Put the baby stuff away. Just like losing a close relative or friend. Before you can move on, you must deal with the present. If you'd just lost your mother, for example, you would clean her room, box her clothes, etc. We're aiming for closure here so this isn't a step you can omit.

4. Create the "baby zone". In your heart. If you know the sex of the child, give him/her a name. We didn't know the sex of our children, but truly believed they were male. So these baby's are now our daughter's little brothers. We speak of them affectionately when we remember. How old are they now? What do they look like? Do they enjoy sports? Doing this is actually comforting to us.

5. Memorialize. As we discussed in my last entry, this is an important step. Plant a tree, write a poem, hold a service. The opportunities are endless.

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Pregnancy Loss: Memorializing your Loss

It's very important to treat any loss of pregnancy like any other loss of a loved one. You must experience the full range of grief if you expect to move on with your life. You may find it difficult to grieve in a normal manner, especially if you don't have a body to bury.

I recommend you do one of two things:

1) Hold a memorial service. This may seem ridiculous to some, but this was a child and deserves respect just like everyone else. If you don't want to hold a church service, gather your family and friends in your home, and openly discuss your loss. It's more about you and your family than acquaintences or extended family. Remember, you must deal with the present before you can move on with the future.

2) Find another way to honor your child. Many mothers write poetry, plant a tree, facilitate a support group. The opportunites are endless.

We chose to deal with our losses by visiting the Precious Moments Chapel, only about an hour from where we live. We bought a new figurine, an angel holding a baby, and spent the day at the exhibit. We physically wrote a memorial in their library where it is located even today.

We also decorated an extra Christmas tree that year, complete with miniature ornaments and lights. Our daughter chose a little baby doll as a gift for her lost brothers and sisters. This remembrance means so much I still cry whenever I think about it.

Tags: memorial, grief, loss, pregnancy, love

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Pregnancy Loss: Guilt

Guilt often rears its ugly head after a family suffers a loss of pregnancy. Before we begin, let me repeat my motto: It's not your fault! Why do I say this? Even when lifestyle effects the viability of a pregnancy, it does no good to dwell on past behavior.

For example, many ectopic pregnancies are caused by chlamydia. Chlamydia, left untreated, causes pelvic inflammatory disease, or PID. This causes scarring to the fallopian tubes and either causes an egg to stop short of the uterus, or implant outside the tube. Sexually-transmitted disease is still a taboo subject in many circles. But not here. We'll talk more about chlamydia and PID in another entry.

Women who've lost a pregnancy must arm themselves with knowledge and support to overcome guilt. Visit my previous enty discussing support websites. Don't be afraid to join a message board and tell your story. You'll be amazed at how many women have suffered similar tragedies and deal with the same issues.

Tags: guilt, loss, pregnancy, fault, ignorance, support, website

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Pregnancy Loss: Public Ignorance

I'm so happy we now have internet support groups available to help women who've suffered the loss of the child. The grief and guilt we feel after losing a pregnancy is so intense and all-consuming that many women have little support without it. Why?

People are cruel. In my experience anyway, female friends and acquaintences are so judgemental even during a normal pregnancy that when you lose one, they automatically assume you've done something wrong. Moreso, they don't know what to say and say something really stupid without thinking first. I don't believe, however, that this is done intentionally in most cases.

How do we combat this? My #1 motto for those suffering is, It isn't your fault!! You'll hear me say this over and over as we discuss the loss of pregnancy. In fact, most miscarriages occur without a known cause. It may be chromosomal abnormalities, problems with an egg or sperm, or lifestyle. When someone says to you, "Thank God you can try for more." You reply with "Still, this was our child, a part of us, and we'll mourn nonetheless."

My next entry discusses guilt.

Tags: pregnancy, loss, women, guilt, ignorant

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Pregnancy Loss: Support

The loss of a child at any stage of pregnancy is one of the most devastating tragedies a family can suffer.  It doesn't matter whether the loss occurs at conception or following a live birth.  Both parents experience the deep grief and emptiness often associated with the loss.  Support for these conditions, however, are few and far between.

In our case, my husband and I both went through our own grief processes, very different in nature. My husband's protective nature made him feel inadequate because he couldn't protect me from my pain.  I felt extreme guilt, wondering whether I'd caused our child to die, and whether I should have done something different.

Before we discuss different symptoms of loss associated with the loss of a child, I'd like to offer everyone some additional help.  Here are some support websites I've found dealing with pregnancy loss.  If you've recently lost a child in any manner, let me extend my arms, give you a virtual hug, and tell you that "No, I don't have all the answers, I wish I did, but I'm here to listen just the same."

For ectopic pregnancy:

    www.ectopic.org/--Ectopic Pregnancy Trust.  Great site offering support to those who've had, or expect they have, an ectopic pregnancy.  Site includes a very popular message board.

    www.ectopicpregnancy.com--Great place to memorialize your loved ones and hear others' stories.

For miscarriages and other losses of pregnancy:

    www.bornangels.com--Born Angels Website.  Wonderful support site for those who've had any sort of pregnancy termination. Site is still partially under construction, but looks like a winner!

    www.pregnancyloss.info/--Another great site offering support, statistics, causes, symptoms, etc.

Before we dive deep into the subject of pregnancy loss, let me first explain that 1) the loss is not your fault, and 2) you can move on.  My next entry will discuss the grief symtoms for women.

Tags: pregnancy, women, loss, support

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Ectopic Pregnancy: My Story

In November, 2000, my husband and I were thrilled to learn we were pregnant with our second child. We made an appointment with our doctor only to find out I had an ectopic pregnancy. Without going into too much detail, let's just say our doctor wasn't the sharpest pin in the cushion. He ordered a methotrexate shot, kept changing his mind about my actions while under treatment, and the shot failed. He ordered another. I was still in pain after my treatment was completed. He shrugged it off as female whininess and told us we could get pregnant again.

In June 2001, we were pregnant again. A bit more apprehensive this time and with a new doctor. We set our appointment. The receptionist, unfortunately, didn't have a clue about previous ectopics and the risks of having another. She kept trying to schedule us 6 to 8 weeks out. We were finally able to get an appointment for about two weeks later.

Our angel wouldn't wait. I woke up one morning bleeding heavily and in a bit of pain. We rushed to the emergency room where they tried to convince us to complete the methotrexate treatment again. We refused and opted for surgery. I'm so glad I did. It turns out I had a fallopian tube wrapped around my ovary that my previous doctor had missed. Big surprise. I was lucky. My new gynecologist didn't have to cut my tube.

The experience left us depressed and in anguish. With no guarantees I wouldn't have another ectopic, we made a decision to stop trying for more children. We knew it would be difficult for our daughter to grow up as an only child but we couldn't stand the thought of losing more. I've heard the same from others. So we're doing the best we can for our daughter. That's all i can say.

Which brings me to the point for this blog. We'll take a look at different problem pregnancies, causes, symptoms, treatment, and coping with loss. We'll also visit websites available for support and discuss how to deal with gynecologists. Check back often.